Educating the Parents

We recently completed a 5 week parenting series taught by Pam Roe, our doula and the classes really opened our eyes.  i thought i would give a synopsis of what we covered. The series is focused on parenting children in a way that is drastically different than what most people in America grew up with.  The series focused heavily on the work of Alfie Kohn and Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.  Pam also incorporated some of the work of Dr. Haim Guinott and Barbara Coloroso as well.

Aaron and I agreed up front that we did not want to spank.  We figured that we would probably do time-out or some other popular form of discipline that didn't involve hitting.  Then, we took the class that Pam teaches on parenting a big baby that touches a bit on the works of the above mentioned people and had our eyes opened a bit to a different way of talking to and interacting with children.  That class however was literally just a tiny taste and we now have a much bigger perspective on what others are thinking and doing when it comes to parenting. 

We started by focusing on what we wanted for our children for the future and narrowed it down to 2 adjectives we would like to use to describe her. We picked confident and joyful. That became part of our guiding principle in terms of setting our expectations along with Barbara Coloroso's principle of behavior needing to be neither morally or life (physically) threatening. I like this as a guidance to help with the little battles that sometimes feel monumental in the moment and later are insignificant (e.g., eating oatmeal with a fork).

We then moved to empathetic listening based heavily on the work of Faber and Mazlish. Acknowledging her feelings and that we understand can really help her develop an understanding of her emotions and feel like we do understand, even if we aren't giving in to the request. Speaking to her with empathy to acknowledge her feelings actually causes positive neurochemicals to be released (Pam had a neuroscientist speak to us).

The course also centered around Alfie Kohn's 10 principles:

  • Consider your Requests - Maybe it is in what/how you have requested that the child is not responding favorably Maybe you need to re-think what you are doing. Are you sure you want to trick the kid to get her to do what you want?

  • Put the Relationship First - Being right isn't necessarily what matters; it matters very little if your children stiffen when you walk into the room; what matters is the connection, the alliance, mutual respect. From a practical perspective, the relationship counts, where the child feels safe enough to explain why she did something wrong; when you put your foot down, is it worth any potential injury to the relationship?

  • The Love has to be Unconditional - Love withdrawl is conditional love; when it does work, the price you are paying is too high - it says, "You have to earn my love." You go away from me or I go away from you - banishment. Kids need love that never stops coming; affection that does not have to be earned. "No matter what you do, I will never stop loving you." Stop that which gives the opposite message - positive reinforcement when they are good. Items are a display of love or a tool to control - you cannot have it both ways. When we praise them for making our lives easy, they look for that. More praise, the more insecure they become, the more dependent they become on our approval. They have to know they are loved even when they screw up or fall short. They need to know they are loved for who they are, not what they do. Time out is okay when the child decides and the time is something that helps the child center - something fun, diverting.

  • Imagine how kids see Things - Look at the world from their point of view! The more you do that, the better a parent you tend to be. When I say, "X", how does she feel? Imagine how your friends (or relatives) seem to your child. From a young child's point of view, we're interfering with what looks fun.

  • Be Authentic - Do not forget your humanity. Don't pretend to be more competent than you are, apologize to your child every so often ~ you'll find a reason.

  • Talk less, Ask more - Listen, respond, elicit, imagine her perspective - makes you a better partner, too - manager, colleague - What is your perspective? Good parenting includes listening.

  • Assume the Best ~ A tribute to Children: the best possible motive consistent with the facts. Why assume the child was trying to make you unhappy? Children of a certain age cannot understand promises, sitting still for a long family dinner. Don't assume the worst. We do not always know why kids do things. Kids live down to our negative expectations. Assume the best.

  • Try to say Yes, when you can - Do not say No constantly. Sometimes you have to say No. Kids don't get better at coping with unhappiness when they were made unhappy deliberately when they were young. If you say Yes twice as often as you do now, they will still get plenty of opportunities with frustration. Pick your battles. This is not to say Yes out of laziness. Provide guidance, support. Mindful parenting. Say Yes as often as you can.

  • Don't be Rigid - Wave the rules. Be flexible. Respond differently to different children and situations, understanding the context. Predictability is good, but don't make a fetish of it. United front is dishonest - more useful for kids to see we disagree and can talk it out.

  • Let kids decide whenever possible - Support their autonomy, bring them in on the decision making. Children will feel better about themselves. The way kids make good decisions is by making decisions. Let them decide unless there is a compelling reason not to.


  • Believe me, this method takes a lot of energy and is in no way passive parenting. However, I think it is freeing to be able to have some general family rules (e.g., we don't hit) and a lot of freedom in between.

    I love the principle of reconsider your request, especially as she gets older. I hated telling her not to do something and then realizing that it wasn't a big deal feel like I had to stand my ground with her. Now I can second guess my first impulse and tell her that I changed my mind and she can take her shoes to bed. I also like the idea of training her to think in terms of making a case for something to convince me to change my mind rather than whining to wear me down.

    The other thing that we discussed was enrolling your child in the idea of something rather than ordering them to do it. It takes some mental energy, but I have found it can be successful. Telling her we have to change her diaper is met with screaming and gnashing of teeth, but suggesting that it would be fun to change her diaper standing up gets a better response. I found the same for picking up toys. Making it a game to quickly throw them in the bin is much better received than simply telling her to do it.

    It takes practice and effort! I feel like we would need many more children to perfect our skills, but fortunately this can be applied to work, family, and friends.

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