Limits
I have posted before about Hand in Hand Parenting and particularly how helpful the notion of staylistening has been. Another major component of their parenting method is setting healthy limits. Setting limits in their parenting style means limits are set reasonably and in a warm, loving way that offers the child connection. It isn't done out of anger or with the intent to humiliate a child. Rather, limits are intended to be a way to guide a child back onto the correct path. A child who is feeling connected will be able to think well and accept the limit. A child who is feeling very disconnected may have serious trouble thinking well and will respond with strong emotion to the smallest limit.
Sometimes a child is off track and doing things to signal that he/she needs help. In those times a limit being set may trigger the release of feelings that seem much larger than the situation would appear to require. For instance, off track behavior for Sarah Graves looks like reasonable requests such as wanting a particular nightgown, then she needs a snack before bed, then it's asking to watch a show on TV before she goes up, one show isn't enough and she wants another, she doesn't want to brush her teeth, she doesn't want to use the bathroom before bed, the story she picked isn't the one she really wanted, etc. She doesn't feel right, therefore, nothing in her world is right. I can usually see the trend after the first few requests are indulged and the response isn't one of a happy child. That's when I need to have patience and presence of thought to respond either playfully and get her feeling safe and connected to me again, or more typically at the end of the day, I set a limit. Setting the limit looks something like gently touching her arm or placing a hand on her belly and telling her that we have had dinner and we aren't eating again tonight. It is said in an even tone and looking her in the eye. Sometimes she can accept the limit and move on, and other times she will fall out crying as though I told her she won't ever eat again.
I will admit that it takes patience, but in the end, after the crying is over, she is usually happier and we get on with our routine much more happily than if I try to hold her off by giving into her requests. Sometimes the crying changes partway through and I gain some insight into what the hurt is really about: a teacher who wouldn't listen to her, children at school yelling and making her feel overwhelmed, a little brother who gets my attention and bites her, etc. I love those moments when I can definitively know that it wasn't the snack she wanted so much, but the hurt happened earlier in the day and she is now safe to get it out. That is one of the most empowering things for me as a parent. It is also hugely encouraging that I am not screwing this whole thing up. Just because there isn't punishment, doesn't mean there can't be discipline. We are not a strict household, but we also don't allow them complete freedom.
Sometimes a child is off track and doing things to signal that he/she needs help. In those times a limit being set may trigger the release of feelings that seem much larger than the situation would appear to require. For instance, off track behavior for Sarah Graves looks like reasonable requests such as wanting a particular nightgown, then she needs a snack before bed, then it's asking to watch a show on TV before she goes up, one show isn't enough and she wants another, she doesn't want to brush her teeth, she doesn't want to use the bathroom before bed, the story she picked isn't the one she really wanted, etc. She doesn't feel right, therefore, nothing in her world is right. I can usually see the trend after the first few requests are indulged and the response isn't one of a happy child. That's when I need to have patience and presence of thought to respond either playfully and get her feeling safe and connected to me again, or more typically at the end of the day, I set a limit. Setting the limit looks something like gently touching her arm or placing a hand on her belly and telling her that we have had dinner and we aren't eating again tonight. It is said in an even tone and looking her in the eye. Sometimes she can accept the limit and move on, and other times she will fall out crying as though I told her she won't ever eat again.
I will admit that it takes patience, but in the end, after the crying is over, she is usually happier and we get on with our routine much more happily than if I try to hold her off by giving into her requests. Sometimes the crying changes partway through and I gain some insight into what the hurt is really about: a teacher who wouldn't listen to her, children at school yelling and making her feel overwhelmed, a little brother who gets my attention and bites her, etc. I love those moments when I can definitively know that it wasn't the snack she wanted so much, but the hurt happened earlier in the day and she is now safe to get it out. That is one of the most empowering things for me as a parent. It is also hugely encouraging that I am not screwing this whole thing up. Just because there isn't punishment, doesn't mean there can't be discipline. We are not a strict household, but we also don't allow them complete freedom.
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